I just don't know what to say

I have played about 8 qualifiers and have logged my finish positions which are as follows. Each qualifier had 216 runners.

5th
9th
31st
8th
45th
41st
130th
59th

There is an interesting trend which is that it could be said that i got worse as the day went on. This may be the case but to be honest i don't believe that is true. Again i am the first to admit that i got lucky and played bad on some hands.

In the last 4 however, something like this happened;

first - got to HU - against a guy who had been raising a lot (i managed to eliminate 3rd place which brought us to virtually equal going into heads up. Until this point i had thought i was going to lose to him) He raised me one hand and i pushed all in with AJ of hearts - he called instantly with K5 off suit and turned a King. I managed to build my chips up and again got it in against his pre flop raise, i forget my hand but it was a fuck site better than the Q8 off suit he insta called me with. Out.

2nd - I am raising like a maniac since i told the table i would go all in first hand - i sometimes do this in case i pick up a nice hand first hand, usually it results in me just folding - this time i was dealt QQ and moved all in - all the limpers duly folded. Having established this reputation i was raising loads and winning pots and really enjoying dominating the table. The crunch hand came when i have 45, the flop is Jx5 and i lead out and get 3 callers - as i write in the chat box that "lol, we all have Jacks" - the turn comes down a 5 - perfect! - so i move all in playing as if i have a strong J as others are clearly interested. Sure enough I am called, as planned, by someone who is loving their JQ off suit a bit too much. Anyway, the turn is a J and he wins with a higher full house. I am ranting on at the table. A guy makes a comment about how it is my own fault for risking so many chips. He definitely has a point, but like i said to him, what more do you want in this game than to get all your chips in against someone willing to call you with a far inferior hand.

I said something to him about pausing and thinking, even for a second, before insta calling, about the hands that could possibly beat him. Lets look at a few

His cards: JQ (diamonds/clubs)

Board: J575

hands he might be behind to: AA, KK, QQ, AJ, KJ, JJ, 77, 75, 55, A5, K5, Q5, J5, 105, 95, 85, 65, 45, 35, 25.

Hmmm, not many then - Great fuckin play!

If anyone is actually reading this blog - please tell me - am i mental -should i be playing less aggressively. What am i doing wrong.

3rd - everyone limps to me in the bb - i raise all in with pocket 10's and lose to pocket 8's. I have already built chips and move all in on the button with QJ and get called by 10J and he turns a J.

The guy that called half his chips with J10 off suit said "nh" after the pocket 8's had become a full house on the river. I love this comment. Obviously eights full of jacks is a very nice hand, any retard could tell you that, what is so annoying is that even a hand where a guy calls for every one of his chips when he is so far behind and only has a 20% chance of winning - he then miraculously flops a set and amazingly rivers a full house. That is not a nice hand. If anything its a terrible hand because if anything, every step along the way, all that guy did was actually fuck it up.

4th - We are down to 3 and its tight but i have a slight edge in chips. The player to my left is becoming edgy and open shoving and just taking down the blinds. We go to the break and first hand back i am really happy to pick up KQ diamonds in the sb. I raise his 200 bb to 660. He moves all in. i know i am ahead and call and he shows KJ off suit. Despite recent fortunes, i still shout yes and raise my fists and he turns a J.

Fuckin Unbelievable

I tell you all i want to do is throw the laptop against the wall. Its not mine, so i won't. I just cant take it anymore. Don't get me wrong, i just read that back and i sound suicidal, I'm not. I just feel like its beyond the realms of possibility/ probability.

Maybe i should be risking less per hand. Dan Harrington calls it "volatility". In the world series against Sam Farha he didn't reraise pre flop with AK. He believed himself to be a better player than some others at the table so could play better on later streets. Thus reducing the chips risked should his hand not hit. I play with more volatility, hence the bigger swings i guess. I suppose i should play more through the streets, play slower. I think i am a product of my environment though. For example the KJ off suit guy. Who else with an adequate chip stack would deem this worthy of a reraise all in. I play strong because i think i can maximise hands when they hold and catch people with weaker hands. The 1010, i knew if i was getting called i was a favourite. I think it must be the answer though.

Final thought - if i shove all in with QQ and get called by AK and they flop an A - well done, nh, wp that's poker

- if i move all in with KQ and dominate KJ or indeed with JQ and dominate J10 - and they somehow manage to hit one of their 3 remaining outs - is that poker - no that's not poker - that's bull shit.

Oh yeah - i just remembered - when the guy was saying I should play slower through the streets and we were discussing it, the caller, the guy who had called with the JQ with one pair - as a 4.55% favourite to win said "don't tap". This cracked me up. I assume it was a reference to don't tap the glass or the fish will go away. He's clearly heard one of his mates say it in the playground and hasn't quite grasped its meaning just yet. Its almost too funny that he would say that after risking all his chips when he only had 2 cards that could possibly help him.